It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
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