Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
