never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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