Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize