The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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