I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Just puked most of my soul out..
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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