He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize