Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
