what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
