Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
