twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
