so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
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