someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
