Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
