i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
