dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
this hospital has no fireball
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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