you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
