and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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