Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
