i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
