I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Randomize
