Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
