My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
