I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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