so explain again why im purple
no
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
