Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
