I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
