I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
