you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
