I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
