I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
