That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
