Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
