There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
