I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
