I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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