Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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