Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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