i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize