the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I love you. Go after that dick
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
