i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
