Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
