i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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