Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
