Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
