Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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