i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
