I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
