life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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