I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
