Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
