Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
