the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
