i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I FOUND THE LEGS
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
