she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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