Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
