I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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