I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
