booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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